We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
