I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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