She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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