I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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