just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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