Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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