I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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