stop calling my apartment porn island.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
