Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize