Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
