It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
