I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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