somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize