I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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