you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
