What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
