Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
