tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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