i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
