Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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