K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
