She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize