non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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