three words: i give head
three words: not that well
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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