My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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