just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
