I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize