I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
