if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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