too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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