I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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