And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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