i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
