Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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