drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
