you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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