omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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