Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
