No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
