So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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