my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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