I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
