my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
