My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
