im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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