just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
