Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
