Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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