So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
This is the high leading the old right now
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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