Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
