Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
