in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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