You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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