FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
