Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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