I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
