Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
