you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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