Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
