the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
